Michael Battalio

Friday, May 26, 2006


This happened a while ago, but I need something good to talk about.
I went to confession a few weeks ago. I talked to a priest whom I
will inevitably never see again. I'm glad I did though. He had some
good advice. I told him about my problems with faith and with my
general lack of self confidence at the moment; both of which stem
from my lack of a girlfriend [read as: lack of affirmation of self,
(there's a word for it, but I forget what it is)]. (Yes, I know lack
of a girlfriend is a childish reason, but that's the point of this
entry.) I will admit I felt kind of gypped from the encounter,
mostly because it was so short, and I got a lot out of the little bit
he did talk. But here's the gist of the thing: He told me it was
about time to let go of my ex from fall semester, and I really have
no choice but to agree with him. We dated three months (me and the
ex, not me and the priest), and it ended about six months ago. (At
the moment every time she pops into my mind I try to come up with a
song that gets stuck in your head really easily, because let's face
it, I'm sure by now I have analyzed any and all possibilities
concerning it, so no use just obsessing on it.) He also said that I
should figure out who I am before I try to be with someone else.
That I believe is the key piece of information concerning my
depression and quite frankly horrible semester I just got out of. I
need to figure out who I am. That will fix a great many things once
I do figure it out. I believe myself to be well on my way at the
moment, and consequently, I haven't had a badly depressing day since
I've been home. I have finally realized what I have done with both
of my ex-es; I let caring for them cover up my lack of concern for
myself. That's really unhealthy, even more unhealthy than just not
caring for one's self. I have such low self esteem, not just with
women but in general, that I try and find other more worthwhile
people to care about so I don't have to think about myself. I truly
think it's time for that to end, and that is what this summer is
going to be about.

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