Michael Battalio

Monday, March 27, 2006

Some results of not thinking...

I think I've figured out why people do drugs and why some religions
make their members take drugs to meet with "God". I have been sick
over the weekend, and have been taking Ny Quil. (As a side note,
that stuff tastes awful. One dose is 30 mL, two tablespoons; that's
a lot. You'd think they could concentrate it so it wouldn't be so
much, but no. The first night I took it I decided to off it in one
big gulp, not realizing what a mistake that would be. You know that
uncontrollable shiver one has when you're cold; that's what happened
when I drank it. My body was racked with spasms of utter horror.
You can't just pour a liquid down your throat; you're mouth has to
close to get all of the air out, and in that two seconds of sheer
terror before I forced myself into swallowing, I almost spewed the Ny
Quil across my room. Afterwards, I almost threw it up. That's how
bad it is.) Let me say that Ny Quil is very potent stuff. I took
some Saturday night, and all day Sunday I was groggy. However, in my
drug induced stupor, I kept having what I thought were amazing ideas
and thoughts about life and religion and love, et cetera, et cetera,
ideas that I was proud of myself for having. But now, the things I
can remember from yesterday are absolutely inane, things I wouldn't
even attempt to transcribe here. So that leads me to think that if
an over the counter cold remedy can put me in such a state that I
have insane thoughts, thoughts which I think are better than sliced
bread at the time, I wonder what a true hallucinogenic would do to
someone. Mind you, having gone through this, I honestly don't want
to ever take an illicit drug, partly because they aren't regulated,
so you have no idea what is actually in it. But mostly because I
don't even want to imagine the loss of control of one's self that
taking a drug whose sole purpose was to make you loose yourself would
Anyway, out of a 48 hour weekend, I slept almost 30 hours of it, but
I'm still tired right now; however, I have class in a bit. At least
I feel better today.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Some results of thinking...

God (or whatever or whomever you wish to place faith in) does not give you what you want.  He (or She or It or They as the case may be) also does not give you what you need.  He gives you something much more valuable than any of that.  He gives us the ability to get what we need all on our own.  He is also generous enough to give us the ability to get what we want as well.  Instead of whining about what is wrong in our lives to whomever it is you happen to have a belief in, we all have in us the ability to go and get it ourselves; it's always there.  We just can't see it.  It's the finding what makes us happy that makes life interesting.  I'll admit that sometimes not having anything to be happy about and not seeing where the happiness could come from is really unnerving and upsetting, obviously.  I should know; I'm going though a very difficult one of those periods right now.  Since I am in one of those periods right now, the only solace I have is that I can be happy all on my own; I just need to get there.  The big question is how.  And that is the beauty of the journey, or so I keep telling myself.

Friday, March 03, 2006

What am I doing?

I am having a hard time with life in general. I am questioning
everything. Physics as a major, grades (as in why are they important
to me), happiness, control, of myself and of other's control on me.
LIfe, it's purpose, what I want to do, where I want to go, and other
things I can't seem to define into words. I feel as if I am on the
cusp of an epiphany, but I don't know what it is. And I don't know
if I will even get there.
As kind of a way to organize all the random things I ponder about,
which I do a lot of now, as in hours at a time, I am finding small
issues I can question, because I am having a hard time defining the
big questions it is I want to answer. It's all such a jumble in my

I am so lonely all of a sudden. I don't know what is going on. I
don't have anything to look forward to, next week is another week of
school, and then another and another. Summer I will inevitably be
home alone with nothing to do, only to come back and start a new
school year here with nothing to do. I need something interesting to
happen in my life. I'm tired of just existing.

2003-2016 Michael Battalio (michael[at]battalio.com)